What People Don't Want Me To Want

I sat on the boat dock floating in the lake, and I thought and thought. I prayed. I listened to music. I cried a little. And then I realized I do know what I want. It’s just not what people want to hear.

I’m tired of people expecting me to know what I want after I was brought up to give up what I want.

I’m tired of people asking me what I want after they tell me that I can’t have what I want.

I’m tired of people waiting for me to say what I want, when I just don’t know what I want.

I’m tired of people waiting for me to find something that I want rather than helping find what I want.

I’m tired of finally saying what I want and people saying that I can’t have it or shouldn’t even be thinking about that right now.

The fact is, I’m not picky. I just need to know that my commitments aren’t for forever, won’t take too much time if I hate it, and that I have a way out without massive amounts of debts of any kind.

I’ll tell you what I want where commitment doesn’t bother me, and where I could be inspired to handle a job I hated.

I want a home. A home where I am accepted and chosen. A home where I would have been chosen out of a crowd if that’s how homes are put together. I want to belong. I have never belonged. And I’m tired of feeling guilty for that. For not belonging. Cause it’s just not my fault. A home where I have a husband who is my one and only. I want a home where I am loved and understood and safe! I want a home. Apparently, I have to earn a home.

And I guess I just don’t have what it takes to earn it. Because to have what it takes means I need to know what I want. And as I’ve said, other than a home, I don’t know what I want. Because nothing else is inspiring at all.

I’m tired of being told to prioritize. So I do. I want a husband. That is my priority. Relationships above all else. Wait what? That’s backwards? I have to have my whole life planned out first? I have to want things above relationships? Lame. I know what I want. I just don’t know how to get there, and I can’t make someone magically appear. And for some reason, me stating a relationship as my highest priority is not accepted. I have to want something more than a commitment like marriage. Not that I’m looking for a husband. I don’t scope out every man I meet in hopes he might be the one. People have let me down far too much and I don’t even know where to begin looking for decent, eligible men. No one wants someone who doesn’t know what they want.

Does that make me immature? You don’t know. Because maturity is not for humanity to judge. It’s far too complicated of a thing to have a pass or fail test. All I know is I’m lost. Very, very lost in the fact that I know very much what I want, and I can’t have it. Not only is it something that I want, I know that it’s something that I need. It is. That’s the thing I need to ground me and motivate me. But some people do a lot in life without something that they need. I just can’t seem to. Does that make me weak? Only if weak means I’m human and that’s how I was created. Only if that means I’m not invincible and can only take so much disappointment.

P.S. I like this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_LOOKssMpA