Thighed and Prejudice

I find it funny how I didn’t hear about the current “thigh gap” fad until after it was already popular and people started to make a stink about how it’s so stupid. And here I was all along ignorantly frowning in the mirror at my own apparently very trendy legs, envying other women with lovely full thighs. Forget the term “thigh gap” and let’s call my own a full-on crotch-to-floor gap. Supposedly, many people (women at least) find this very desirable. I first heard this from my grandmother who had just watched something about it on the news. She mentioned it and talked about it as if it was some sort of crazy thing. I don’t think she stopped to think about whether or not I had one, but I love her, so I forgive her.

Now I’m not here to talk about trends and fashion and all that because clearly, that’s something (amongst many other things) for which I often miss the boat. I’m also not a fitness expert. Don’t ask me how much I exercise or what my diet consists of, ‘cause I’d be embarrassed to tell you. Vegetables? Vegetables are what you eat when you want to acquire jaw problems from the amount you have to chew them to swallow them. And I already have jaw problems.

…Excuse me a moment. My aunt just informed me that “the burgers are ready”. I wasn’t even aware that anyone was making burgers. But I’m down for one! Be right back…

So I just scarfed down that burger…and those potato chips…and those freshly made chocolate peanut butter cup cookies with the honkin’ 2 cup bar of butter in them that my aunt and I put in (the recipe wisely called for it! They were good!). I’m glad this happened just now, ‘cause now I can tie it into this blog post. Very convenient! Since we’re talking about food, let me just say that I really don’t watch what I eat. And I really don’t exercise. And when I say really I mean really. I don’t like that I’m so skinny and have such a fast metabolism, but that also comes with the good side of not having to watch what I eat or worry about gaining too many pounds.

“You’re so lucky!” say many. Ya, I guess I am. And for the most part, I agree. But, to be honest, I often wish people didn’t have to eat to survive. Eating can sometimes be such a hassle. I accidentally skip meals sometimes because I forget about them. Also, I passionately hate cooking! If I actually get around to cooking myself a real meal one day a week instead of eating sandwiches, canned soup, or frozen mini pizzas, I’m proud of myself. Nights like tonight where my grandpa made some extra burgers are a gift, because to me, cooking is so boring that I’d rather starve than cook. I guess food, to me, is still just a necessary part of life that can also be enjoyable, but in our society, it has become much more than that.

Anyway, I’m tired of reading all the comments online like “real women have curves”, “men don’t like skinny girls”, “thigh gaps are for flamingos”, and anything else that basically claims that if you wear a size zero you’re anorexic. Yes, most of my pants are a size 0, but no I’m not anorexic. Set food in front of me that I like and I’ll eat it if I’m hungry. The more sugar and carbs, the better. No, I’m not suffering from malnutrition—the doctor already sent me for tests after I came in for something entirely different. That was kinda annoying, but at least I know I’m healthy. Comments like the flamingo one, though meant to be funny and are a little funny when you think about them as poking fun at the whole thigh gap obsession, are actually kind of hurtful to people like myself who have looked at their legs in the mirror and thought that their ancestors must have been birds. Birds with cellulite. Yes, like myself, you can be thin and still have cellulite. People seem to think that it would be impossible for someone, whose ribs show and has a thigh gap, to have cellulite in their legs. Cellulite is less about how much fat you have than people think. And those comments like “real women have curves” and “men don’t like skinny girls”? Ouch. Just ouch. Don’t ever say that again, please! Ever!! I shouldn’t even have to explain why. “Just gain some weight.” Easier said than done, believe it or not. “Guys like big boobs.” Well that’s just great, mine are of the smaller variety. I guess I’ll be single my whole life. “Just gain weight if you want boobs.” Or want a larger butt. You can’t exactly choose where your body decides to store its fat. It just happens. And no, I’m not getting boob implants!

People, I am thin, and though others may not always help me feel like one, I am a woman. I often feel that as a skinny person, I can’t win. Thin is considered ideal, but when someone is actually thin, they’re told to gain some weight. I hope it isn’t true that men don’t like skinny girls, because I don’t think there’s really that much I can do about it. I’ve always been small and had more of an ectomorph body. I don’t like being made to feel that I am a little girl because I am not voluptuous.

I realize that a lot of comments, like the ones I quoted above, were stated out of the same frustration that I am feeling right now. They are often stated by women who want to be considered beautiful as they are. And they should be. And I’m sorry if they aren’t. Most people are not as naturally skinny as me it’s true, and so it would be stupid for them to try and be if they’re healthy as they are. So I understand the point people are trying to make. But I would appreciate it if they would not bash (unintentionally or not) others who have different bodies than their own because they want to feel better about themselves or because they want to feel less guilty about that extra brownie they ate earlier. Not that they shouldn’t eat brownies, but if they eat too many of them, don’t take it out on me.

It’s good to take care of ourselves and strive for ideals, but there has to be a point where we accept that we are beautiful. So beautiful that we don’t have to prove it to anyone! The people who don’t see our beauty for what it is are just not worth our time. Just as many women need to embrace their beautiful curvy legs of which I am insanely jealous, I need to take my own advice and embrace my stick-like flabby ones, though a little exercise probably wouldn’t hurt them. And that’s all I have to say about that!

Who are You Calling a Drama Queen?!?!

It’s 3:00 in the afternoon right now and what have I done with my day? Well, today I’ve done what I often do on many of my days off work: I wasted it! I woke up to my sad reality, crying for something that I wanted that I knew I couldn’t have, praying to God to provide me with reasons why and trying to fit it into my philosophical framework, having imaginary arguments (outloud) with people (real people that I know) in my head that I can’t talk to in real life, sitting in my room on my bed in an extremely unhealthy (for my back) slouching position while wasting my time on Facebook and whatever whatnot on my computer, and feeling guilty and stressed for not doing my large list of important things that I need to do. Oh, and I also journaled, and cried, and prayed for God to speak, and cried some more. Depressing, huh? I think I’ve emerged from my bedroom one time and that was to pee. I haven’t had to pee since then seeing as I haven’t drank anything today or eaten anything. Who remembers food when their heart, mind, and soul are in never-ending torment? I don’t. Oh, and I’m still wearing my pajamas. At least they’re comfortable.

            

As I’m writing this, my mind just remembered a description that I wrote quite some time ago called “Trapped”:

She leaned against one of the black stone-cold walls of her dungeon. Dark. Everything was dark. Cold. Shivering, she could vaguely make out the wisps of her breath before her face. It would be silent, but for the crazing drip from the ceiling to her right, and the terrifying hissing of words echoing within the walls around her from invisible mouths. Where they came from she could not tell. Complete silence might make this endless solitude bearable, but the drip and that hissing made rest impossible. She sat motionless, her body tense and still like she were playing dead. Paralyzed by fear, she could not move if she wanted to. The musty air did not make it easy to breath as softly as she hoped. She suddenly felt pain in her lungs and wondered how long she’d been holding her breath. It was all she could do not to gasp for air. A wave of nausea began in her belly and slithered outwards through the rest of her body like a million snakes eating away at her insides. She was starving, but if food were to be found, she couldn’t have eaten it anyway. Starvation at this point was the least of her worries. Physical starvation, that is.

            

It’s so dramatic, dreary, hopeless, and (how else can I put it?) creepy. Maybe even laughable. So dramatic that if I were to tell this to a friend, they probably would tell me how dramatic I was being and encourage me to get mental help—partially because I think a lot of people find metaphors much more acceptable in writing than in everyday talk. Who the heck knows why?) And maybe mental help is what I need. But this is what I’ve felt for such a long time. And the whispers…they come at me like eternal torment. Not real audible whispers, obviously (the description was mainly metaphorical). Just a million inner voices coming at me at once, though they seem to come from outside of me. Like a thousand demons surrounding me with the purpose of confusing me to insanity. I’m not sure that I believe in literal demons or a literal Devil or any of that. But if they’re real, they seem to like me quite a bit. I guess I’m easy to confuse….

…Excuse me one moment while I grab something to eat. I think writing has temporarily driven the snakes out of my body and they’ve left me with no reserves. Those accursed things. I think blogging has a much different effect on your emotions than journaling, ‘cause you know someone might hear you…

…What was I saying? Oh yes. The demons. Everywhere I turn, my mind is sputtering never-ending differing opinions and the “what-ifs”, and the “coulds” and “woulds” and “shoulds” of my experience. I jump from one to the next in search of the most beneficial but real and right way to look at reality. The way that will not only be accurate to reality (one of the most difficult to accomplish for me), but that also fits with my moral expectations, and is logically consistent throughout. Basically, I want my life experiences to fit into my philosophical framework and also make moral sense to me. This is a very immense task to be sure. One in which I’m not sure I will ever accomplish, and which I would never in my life be able to explain to another person if I did figure it out. It’s not really written in English.

Maybe I’m trying to find the place where ideals and reality meet. Like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that you’ll never reach. It’s sad really. It’s hard to live with certainty when you don’t even know where you stand in the grand scheme of life…or who you should be worshipping. Who is God anyway? This is my current soul struggle. One that probably will never end as God seems to deem it necessary to remain a mystery.

And all of this to say that life is intense. I have been called overly dramatic many a time throughout my life. The most recent time was almost a week ago as I was texting someone who had consistently hurt me and who I decided to finally call out about it. He didn’t listen, and we haven’t talked since, but I’m not too worried about it—I’m sick of the negative effects that he has had on my thoughts and emotions. He’s incredibly insensitive. This person’s final words to me were that drama would follow me wherever I was at. Of course I had nothing more to say to someone who dismissed any intense feeling as drama. He dodged any points that I was trying to make entirely. Such a person would never truly listen to any words I had worth saying. So I said nothing. At first, what he said hurt me. I was hurt because it meant that he wasn’t taking what I had said seriously. And that’s often all I want is to be taken seriously. Regardless, it got me thinking.

Now, I’ve always denied the fact that I’m a drama queen seeing as that label does not come with positive connotations. I’ve always thought a drama queen, though  a term often used much more loosely, was a person who used emotions to manipulate and get what they want or to just get attention. I’ve always thought that there was a difference between someone who was “dramatic” and someone who was “passionate”. I personally have intense emotions that I don’t show everyone but that I would like to show people if I knew they wouldn’t try to pound them with a sledgehammer down to the socially appropriate level of feeling. Because my feelings are real! They’re not made up! And they aren’t, as some might say, totally irrelevant. I searched “drama queen” at merriam-webster.com, and found these two definitions:

“a person (especially a woman) who acts as though things are much worse than they really are”

“a person given to often excessively emotional performances or reactions”

Annoyed by this, my first thought after reading those definitions was, “what is considered excessive, and who defines it?” Well, Merriam-Webster, I’m sure. So then I searched the word “excessive” and this is what I found:

“going beyond what is usual, normal, or proper”

“exceeding what is usual, proper, necessary, or normal”

So then I searched those words:

Usual: “done, found, or used most of the time or in most cases: normal or regular”

Normal: “usual or ordinary: not strange” and “mentally and physically healthy”

Proper: “behaving in a way that is correct according to social or moral rules”

Necessary: “so important that you must do it or have it: absolutely necessary” and “unable to be changed or avoided”

Hmm…so in an attempt to summarize, a drama queen is someone who displays emotional reactions that are not common, not ordinary, mentally unhealthy, physically unhealthy, against social rules, against moral rules, and/or (stress on the “or”) avoidable. Interesting. So first of all, are we not allowed to have individual emotional reactions? Sorry, but we're all different. And second, is someone who exhibits emotions, with only one of these traits, a drama queen? As far as I know, you can attempt to ignore them and express them, but feelings are entirely unavoidable. What about our reactions to feelings? Well, sometimes facial expressions just pop up unconsciously. I think that leaves the world (at least the extent of the world that I’ve experienced) with a heck of a lot of drama queens. And what person hasn’t followed their heart into doing something immoral? That makes a lot of drama queens. But regardless of others, fine. I admit it. According to this definition, at times, I am a drama queen. And when I am depressed (which unfortunately has been a lot for the past while) I can definitely be a drama queen. But I’ll just blame it on my Latino blood. (Wink!)

Now just one more definition:

Drama: “a state, situation, or series of events involving interesting or intense conflict of forces”

Heck, you couldn’t ask for a better description of life! Yes, like it or not, life is full of drama. In fact, according to this definition, you might even say that the words drama and life are almost interchangeable (no, I’m not looking up the definition of life. I’m already sick of definitions). Shout out to the guy who told me that drama would always follow me. You bet it will. And the same for him too! He couldn’t have been more right. He can just go on pretending like he’s free from it and that everything is a comedy. Good luck buddy. Have fun in your friendships as you continue to offend people when drama hits them on the head. We can’t stop drama. Sure life can be funny. It’s great to laugh. I don’t do it enough! However, in the grand scheme of things, life is a serious thing. It’s a constant conflict between forces.

As far as our feelings towards this drama go, I think the times when they should not be followed are when they lead us to hurting ourselves or others. When the feelings themselves are followed to the extent that they are no longer an expression of hurt but become the hurt themselves, then they are taken too far. In these instances, I think we should still be aware of our feelings, but be discerning about which ones we follow. I don’t think ignoring feelings is the best way to deal with them. That’s the best way for them to catch you off guard and lead you down the wrong path.

Don’t run away too fast when I say this, but you know, I think in a lot of ways, “drama queens” have it right. Life is a tragedy. In the end, everyone dies. They do. Believe me. But what drama queens, including me, are failing to see is that

Death is not the end and there will be an end to death!

And the same goes for pain. As Christians, yes, suffering is inevitable, but there is still hope. Heaven awaits us. And we can look to that when we suffer. We can know that there will be an end to it. Now, I’m not saying that because of this, hurt feelings are irrelevant and you should just dismiss all people who feel that way as “drama queens”. Please don’t. Jesus wouldn’t do that. Jesus comforted people. And don’t try to dumb down another’s emotions because you can’t handle them. If it’s clear they’re in distress, help them. Take them seriously. Don’t dismiss them as ridiculous. You won’t help them that way. Sometimes you just need to listen and be there for them. And if it’s very clear that they need mental or emotional help (e.g. they are already or are planning to seriously harm themselves or others; or, as a human, you are limited as to how much of others people’s problems you can take because you have your own), help them find someone else who is better equipped to help them. Help them, because it must be awful for them right now. Don’t fall into accusing people for feeling. Note that in accusing them of feeling, you’re following your own annoyed feelings for them. And for all you know, you might end up in their shoes one day. After all, life is drama. And now, here are some good verses…

This is basically one of the only parts, if not the only part, of the book of Job that I appreciate. Job’s “heart yearns” to see God! He is not satisfied just knowing that God is there.

“I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see him with my own eyes—I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!” –Job 19: 25-27 NIV

The next verse is also a great one. God can handle your heart!

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” –Psalm 62: 5-8