People like to generalize and say that the idea of
“different” is not real. We’re all different,
hence, in that way, we’re really not different at all since we’re similar in
that, well, we’re all different. The idea of unique differences
scares people; alienates them. People want to be different, but not too different, right? It scares me too. Technically
on a fine-tuned level, yes there are going to be little details that are
different. No one is 100% the same. But some people just don’t seem to fit into
a group. People like to generalize about themselves and everyone else, but some
people just don’t fit in the box.
I watched the movie Divergent and my heart became full. This
was a movie where the heroine did not fit in (not a new concept in movies, I
know that), overthrew the government (this is also nothing new), AND got the
hot guy! Despite the fact that this is a very trendy theme to use in teenage
movies these days, I will confess to relating to it so, so much…minus the hot guy.
I tried to fit myself into one of the specific categories made up in the movie,
but honestly and proudly, I will declare DIVERGENCE!! This actually makes me
feel really good. But despite the fact that we glorify this “Divergent” type on
the screen, in real life, it’s not as accepted. I guess that’s why this movie
is relatable to me. It was representing our real world.
I feel like Tris. Tris, like everyone in the world in which
she lived, was forced to take a test that told her who she was, and what life
she should choose to live in. Unfortunately for Tris, her results were different
than the majority. She scored equally on everything, therefore, she was seen as a threat to the governmental system under which she lived. She had to hide her difference from everyone or be killed.
She did not fit into a box. Despite my huge fascination with personality tests
and loads of attempts to label myself so that I can tell people in simpler
terms what type of person I am, if asked, I find that, similar to the test in Divergent, labeling myself and others is not so easy.
During my last year of high school, one of my classes
required me to take the Keirsey Temperament Sorter and write about what type I
was. As the teacher was explaining the assignment, someone in class asked what
to do if you got more than one type. I seconded the question. She said to look
up the two types you got and decide which fit you better. I then asked, “What
if I got four?” Did she really expect me
to look up ALL of them? The numbers were even so close that I almost scored 8
of the 16 types. Already there seemed to be “punishment” for those who didn’t
fit in a box. I had to do more work. She
sighed and asked me a few questions:
“Are you good at science?”
“Nope.”
“Are you good at math?”
“Nope.”
“Are you a good writer?”
“Uh…I guess. But I don’t really like it…”
“But are you good at it?”
“I dunno, I’m pretty good, I guess.”
“You’re an INFP.”
When I read the INFP description, I didn’t really relate to
it. The description just seemed to describe some nice, sweet, sensitive person,
which didn’t at all fit how I saw myself at the time, or even now, really. In
fact, my skepticism led me to read the description of every type, and I didn’t
relate completely with any of them. I
finally just chose a type that I didn’t even score on the test, hoping it fit
me best. Even my family members didn’t think I fit the description my teacher
said I was or the one I chose. But I had to choose something. It bothered me that I couldn’t label myself so simply. I
wanted to be able to choose an identity that others would understand and that I
could brag about. To this day, I keep trying to label myself through different
personality theories, but I really just don’t fit, much to my own frustration!
One funny thing about the Myers-Briggs
theory and others like it (like the Keirsey one) is that when you go to an
online discussion forum about the theory, you’ll find people almost idolizing
the types that are supposedly more rare and for which the descriptions are very
nice, like the INFJ type, for example. If at any moment I thought I might not
be the INFJ type, I would feel jealous that someone else had a rarer type than I
had. Fortunately for me, I could claim that type if I wanted. I scored that one.
I could also claim INTJ if I wanted, another rare type. Or INFP or INTP. Not
that I ever really did, but I was in a good position where I could feel quite
glorified. The funny thing is, this test cannot both be accurate, and this type
also be rare. I’ve met far too many supposed INFJs. I was once in a room of
about 15 people, 4 of whom claimed to be INFJs. Most of them were just
acquaintances to each other, and all of them had very, very different
personalities. Maybe the type of situation (theological discussion) was more attractive to these
intuitive types, but that seems a little fishy to me.
Anyway, I took a “cognitive function” test on one of these
forums that was supposed to be able to determine my type based on my function
strengths, according to the theory. My functions, in order, did not match that
of any type under the theory. I found this quite frustrating. I asked what the
heck it meant on the forum, and the person who had created the quiz said that it
could potentially not be accurate as it was a new test and was still in
progress. Okay, cool. But is it possible that perhaps my “type” is not really a
type described in the theory yet? Considering my confusion from the start, that
seemed a little more likely to me.
Cognitive function tests on other sites did not generate the
exact same results, but the results were all fairly similar. Some consistencies
included a high Introverted Intuition score and “Your Extroverted Thinking is
poorly developed.” Jerks. Thanks so much for reminding me. Apparently Extroverted
Thinking is the function that helps you to be productive and efficient, neither of
which I am. Funny stuff, huh? The cognitive test itself seemed fairly accurate,
actually. But no, because I didn’t fit a type, it must be that the test was inaccurate.
Apparently I can’t be unique. I wanted the test to be inaccurate, but I think I
knew it wasn’t. I wanted confirmation that I was the rarest of acknowledged types
that was looked up to. Instead, I was, as of yet, undefined and consequently
unaccepted as such. I was unknown.
And after years of trying to define myself, I’m finally
asking the question, “What exactly am I looking for?” I guess what I want is to
be unique. But is that really what I want? Or do I not only want to be unique,
but also set apart and somehow considered “the best”? I think what I want is to
be the only unique one and for everyone to look at me and wish they were me. I
want everyone else to be the same, and for me to be different, but adored. So basically, the way that God
is supposed to be, right? But even God isn’t adored by everyone. And I hold
myself to this standard. I hold myself to the standard of a god, which, of
course, I’ve never and will never fulfill. I want to be worshiped, and people just
aren’t worshiping me. At least that’s what all of this came to.
But you know what I think I want even more than that? I want
to be known. I've looked to personality
theories to be known, because I’ve always felt so misunderstood by everyone. Yet
the more I tried to label myself, the more unknown I felt. These theories were
trying to box me in, when I knew I was different than that. I was looking for
an easy way to make people understand me and pay attention to me. But really,
by claiming a personality type as my own that I know I am not, I was just
making it so much easier for everyone to totally misunderstand me.
The personality type I chose to write about in high school was
the ISFP type. Again, it wasn’t one of the four types I had “scored”, though I
had almost scored it. I chose it, not because the description said it was rare
(supposedly ISFP types are fairly common), but because one site labeled it as “The
Artist”. And out of all the labels that I could have chosen at the time, I
chose that. I knew I was good at art. To be honest, I think that was a good
reason to choose that type. The type may not describe me well, but in a sense,
by choosing based on that reason, I was defining myself. Or rather,
acknowledging the part of myself that I knew I was, instead of letting a theory
define me. I knew I was an artist. Now,
I know that I’m a whole host of other things as well, personality theory
certified or not.
I’m not saying that personality theories have no benefit
whatsoever. Studying personality theories has opened my mind to a whole new
realm of thought. It has helped me to go deep within myself and discover parts
of my mind and heart that I had never seen before. It brought me to a place
where I actually attempted to be self-aware and pay attention to how I
responded in different situations. All that aside, it’s all just very
interesting.
I would say that Jungian typology is onto something. I’ve
noticed each of the different types within my own personality. I didn’t even think
about the existence of Introverted Intuition before researching it, and
supposedly, it’s my most dominant function. One time, my friend asked me how
something made me feel and I responded that worms were crawling around in my
vagina!—directly translated “I’m SOOOO upset!!” Sometimes I understand why I’m
lonely. As a kid, I would get frustrated sometimes because all these weird
images that didn’t make sense would go rushing through my mind and I didn’t know
how to explain it to anyone. Now I know I’m not the only one with weird
thoughts like that. In this way, knowledge of the theory was useful to me.
Personality theories could potentially be useful, but they
need to not generalize too much and leave room for individuality. The fact that
people change over time is something that also needs to be taken into
consideration. Maybe cognitive function tests could be used as more of a
strength and weakness test to determine what that individual does well, and
what they could benefit from working on. Apparently, Introverted Intuition is
fairly strong for me. But it would probably help if I developed my Extroverted
Thinking and Extroverted Sensing functions just a little more…okay a lot…my time
management just SUCKS. Like, I don’t understand how anyone could be that bad at
it! But I’m trying.
Basically, there’s something to be said about acknowledging and
accepting differences in people. I think the fact that people go about trying
to label different types is that different types actually do exist and it can
be overwhelming. You’re gonna meet people who are really different from you and
it’s helpful to know a little bit about how they work so you can understand
them and communicate with them better. Personality theories might be helpful to
an extent. They have been for me. But why not just break out your accepting
side (hopefully you have one, if you don’t, you need to get one; you can’t just
claim unacceptance as a personality trait), and take the time to get to know how people click
on an individual level? That could just help you even more.
