I’ve always had this feeling that it wouldn’t be okay for me
to ask any guy that I liked out for a date. Calling all other women out there—do
you relate? There’s a lot of talk going on about whether or not a woman should
ask a man out or not. I think the common conservative Christian response is “no,
they shouldn’t”. Or they say something like, “Women can make the first move by
dropping hints that they’re interested. Make sure they know in subtle ways, and
in that way you make the first move. But don’t directly ask the guy out.” Ahem! Well,
upon thinking about it now, you know what I think that this is saying to women?
Don’t be directly honest. Being honest is too forward for women, so don’t do
it. As a woman your place is to be cunning and manipulative. Just…nothing
too forward like being honest.
I’ve also had worries that if I were to ask a guy out on a
date which resulted in a relationship, how would I ever know if the guy actually
really liked me? I mean, would he
have ever made a move? Would he have found me enticing enough to do that? Well,
you know what I think of those worries now? I think they come from a social
construct floating around that men are difficult to keep interested and that it’s
the job of the woman in the relationship to keep the man interested. There’s a
stupid lie floating around that somehow, women always want the relationship
more than the man. I don’t think that’s necessarily true. And if it is, that’s
not the way it should be, so why are we endorsing that idea? Why are we saying
that this is just how men are?
I’ve also noticed that whenever I like a guy and I finally
get up the guts to tell him that I liked him after adoring him for years (Heavens,
I wish I had just asked him out casually from the start), nobody questions why
the guy turned me down and said he didn’t like me, and they don’t expect him to
have a reason. But in the reverse, whenever a guy likes me and I don’t like him,
it’s a totally different story. “I think you should give him a chance.” “He
just likes you so much.” “You guys would be so cute together.” “Why don’t you like him?” “I think you’re
a commitment-phobe.” Can I ask
something? Why am I expected to give an account and a good reason for my
decisions when the guys I’ve known and liked weren’t required to? A simple “I’m
just not attracted” is an acceptable answer for a man to give, but not for me,
a woman? Now don’t get me wrong, I hate it
when people say, “I just don’t feel it” without having some sort of reason, or without
giving someone a chance. At least have a reason. (See one of my previous posts “TheRules of Attraction”). What bothers me is the inequality. What bothers me is the
assumption that somehow all the attraction between people should be in the
hands of the men. I hate the strongly-held idea that a woman is more likely to
just fall in love by getting to know someone so they should just give guys a
chance. Why? Can’t this happen to a man too? If we perceive immediate dismissal
from a woman as shallow, if it truly is so shallow, then why do we let men get
away with acting that way? I think maybe there is something to be said about initial
attraction, but do you see the inequality in treatment towards women here? Do
you see how we hold women to a higher, less shallow standard in this sense?
Why do we feel that it’s more important for a guy to feel an
initial attraction than it is for a woman? Is it because we feel men are much
more easily drawn to infidelity than women, so we better make sure as much as
possible from the beginning that he thinks we’re the sexiest, most attractive
woman on earth? I mean, it’s important to know you’re attractive in your spouse’s
eyes, yes. But why are we acting as if men are the more shallow, less brainy
ones; the ones more swayed by appearance? How sad. And if that truly is the way
men act, why are we accepting it, instead of fighting it? Why do we act as if
men are the ones that should be, and can be manipulated? Men, regardless of
what society tells you, having a woman attempt to seduce you does not make you any
more of a man. I’m sorry people have lied to you. And women, being able to
seduce a man does not make you any more of a desirable woman. I’m sorry people
have lied to you.
I was in a bar once sometime last month, and a guy I know
told me that if I wanted a guy to come talk to me, all I needed to do was give
him a nonchalant stare, and he’d be by my side in a heart-beat. He said that women
have all the power. I laughed. Later, I glanced at a man I thought was
attractive. Just glanced, nonchalantly. His friend noticed and whispered to
him. They both started laughing, and the guy turned away and shielded his face.
Ouch. Big ouch. So much for all the power being in my hands. Obviously, such a
rude man would not be someone I would hope to attract anyway. I’m sure maybe
there are some women that seem to attract all the men somehow, and I’m not
really one of them. But the point is, by claiming that women have the power to
manipulate men, we’re not only calling women manipulators, we’re also claiming
that men are and should be incapable of refusing to be manipulated.
That being said, do we want our husbands to be capable of
refusing other women? Do we want them to act with strength enough to be loyal
to us? Then perhaps we should stop portraying men as so weak. You know what I
think? I think this idea that men should be the first to ask a woman on a date
is an attempt to instill some sort of power and strength back into the men in
our community. But I think it’s a failed attempt, because it doesn’t really
deal with the deeper issue. What we’re trying to do is bring security to
everyone by making this rule. We’re trying to find some sort of way that we
might be able to grab a good partner and know that we can trust them. But
personally, I don’t think manipulation is really the route to take if you’re
seeking an honest, secure relationship.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying don’t flirt. I like
flirting as much as the next person, though I don’t feel I’ve done it in quite
some time. Unfortunately for me, I tend to have a problem with only being
confident enough to flirt with the men I’m not actually interested in dating, and
run away terrified from the men I actually am interested in. Now that’s what I call not being honest. It’s
something I think I stopped doing some time ago, and I’m determined not to get
back into the habit of doing it. It just causes a lot of confusion, and I feel like it lacks integrity. I don't really want to be known as that incurable flirt. By trying
to eliminate manipulation, I’m not saying don’t ever flirt or show you’re interested. I’m simply calling women and
men to be honest with each other and stop making the relationship, or the
question of a potential relationship, a guessing game.
If we want men and women to both have healthy power, let’s stop
expecting men to want to be seduced. Let’s stop expecting women to be
seductresses. Stop treating men like they’re weak-willed and worldly, like they
have no ability to say “no”. And stop treating women like they need a man to tell them if they're attracted or not. There is nothing wrong with an honest
straight-forward woman who can say when they’re interested and when they’re not.
Let’s all be honest.
