A couple of months ago, when I heard that I had gotten the
job at the bookstore that I had applied to, I was extremely afraid that I
wouldn’t be able to do it. If you had asked me then if I would ever be
approaching customers in the store, conversing with them, helping them find
things, answering and making phone calls, etc., I would have said, “No way! I
don’t talk to strangers. Especially not in a professional manner.”
But here I am two months later, and I actually like my job. Do
I still get nervous every time I approach a customer or answer the phone or
ring through their purchase? Yes. But it isn’t stopping me, and the more I do it,
the easier it becomes. I recently realized that I hadn’t given myself a pat on
the back for this. I beat myself up over little mistakes, but look at how far I’ve
come! So far!! And this newfound confidence and practice in speaking with
people has definitely made its way into the rest of my life as well. I find
myself walking down the street saying “hello” to random strangers out of habit.
Yes, there are other times when I have to force myself to smile at someone
walking by because they’re a stranger and strangers can be scary, but I’ve
begun to overcome my fears, and if feels so good!
As I was vacuuming a couple of days ago, I started thinking
about how I let social anxiety define me. Earlier that day, I had tried out a
new church with a co-worker/friend who introduced me to some people. Before
church, I had prayed that God would break down my anxiety and not let it hinder
me. When I was introduced to people, I was a little nervous, but I managed to
talk to people and laugh and not be so stiff as I can be sometimes.
By the end, my friend looked at me and said, “You know, I
had sort of pegged you for a shy person, but you’re really not!” At the time,
this surprised me and I mentioned that I was actually really shy, but I decided
today not to be. For some reason I felt afraid that she wouldn’t believe me
when I said that, though I still don’t know why.
Later, as I vacuumed, I thought about a conversation I had
had with a different friend about a week or so earlier as I mentioned how some
guy who I like had explained to me that he wanted an outgoing girl who liked
psychology and philosophy and stuff like that yet he had no interest in me. My
friend and I kind of came to the conclusion that he must be totally blind. “You
are outgoing!” she had said. “You can
be kind of shy sometimes, but you’re definitely not quiet.” To this I laughed
and understood, but didn’t fully believe her yet. My mind wandered to countless
other times when people had mentioned to me that I was outgoing, and this at
first confused me, but when the light bulb finally went off in my head, I
vigorously cleaned that floor with my “thinking frown”, that makes me look like
I’m disgusted when I’m not, and made my aunt laugh at me. In my mind, I was
ecstatically putting my epiphany into English so I could share it.
I am introverted, and outgoing, and I act shy too! I see introversion and extroversion as opposites, being reserved and being outgoing
as opposites, and being shy as
something different altogether. The way I understand introversion and
extroversion is that an extrovert gains energy when they are with people, and
an introvert gains energy when they are alone. So as an introvert, I need a lot
of alone time to recharge and reflect on things. I am very introspective. I am
introverted, but I’m not necessarily reserved. I can be, but for a large
portion of the time, I am not. If I’m being honest, I like getting a lot of attention!
I am friendly and open and daring and express my opinions very loudly and
passionately, sometimes way too much so. I am most definitely outgoing! This is
my natural self!
And when I’m not that way, it’s often because I am what you
might call very shy or socially anxious (or sometimes just really tired or some
thought has just occurred to me and I freeze with a “disgusted look”). But what
I realized is, shyness isn’t a part of my personality. I am not defined by
this! Shyness is fear, and though I think a small amount of it might be healthy
(correct me if I’m wrong) in that not everyone is to be trusted and you should
be on guard for that, I think in general, it is a negative trait that most people
would want to overcome.
I realized I hold myself back. That same day, a couple of
days ago, I went to church again in the evening at the church I’m familiar
with. There was a part or two in the sermon where a joke was made that I found
funny, and I laughed when no one else did, then felt super embarrassed
afterwards, because generally that never happens. I control my laughs. I don’t
usually allow myself to laugh without control in those settings, because to me
that feels vulnerable, and I don’t want people to think I have a stupid sense
of humor. There are so many times when I find something funny and want to
laugh, but fear holds me back. And sometimes, like the time mentioned above, it
just slips out and I feel humiliated. But that’s so dumb! I mean, I realize
maybe I should try to hold myself back from laughing at something serious, but
if it clearly wasn’t meant to be, I feel like I shouldn’t be ashamed to laugh. I’m
sure any speaker would appreciate a genuine laugh to a stupid joke of theirs,
right? Laughing is good for you! There isn’t an 11th commandment
that states, “Though shalt not laugh unless others laugh.” There are scarier
things like murder to avoid.
The above is just one way that fear has crippled my
personality. And I am so incredibly grateful to those faithful people who I
know that have been patient enough to get to know me and break through my
walls. Not everyone will do that. Though it hurts, not everyone will attempt to
look below the surface level force field that fear puts up sometimes. It’s
really hard to accept that not everyone is caring enough to want to know you.
You can’t make someone see what they don’t want to see. So again, I thank those
friends who have stuck with me! You are the best! And I thank God for being there
with me through it all. Maybe one day, I’ll completely overcome all of this
fear! Right now, though, I am just proud of how far I’ve come.
