Betrayal

As I write this, my heart hurts. I feel all alone. I fight feelings of shame. I fight feeling stupid. I fight feeling like there must be something wrong with me.

Because yet again, a person that I was friends with, a person who I believed in, who I decided to trust… that person betrayed me. They lied to me. Rejection sucks. But when the friendship becomes pretend for a bit before the rejection comes, and you realize you were “taken in”, you were fooled, and that the person was too afraid to say the truth sooner…I think that hurts more.

Because on my end, it wasn’t pretend for me. I loved this person as a friend within the time that I knew them. I trusted that their words and actions, spoken near the end of our relationship, and that in retrospect I see as hints, were just words of an imperfect person handling whatever situation they were in, but they weren’t. As I said, they were hints of a person too cowardly to speak the truth. Even if this person was just too afraid to admit that they didn't care about me the way that I did them, and that they didn't care for or admire me as much as I did them. It was passive aggressive, indirect communication. There were hints, but I trust that people will be honest, and I obviously didn’t get the hints, especially when along with the hints were mixed messages. Ignoring me, then giving some sort of explanation outside of the truth, then avoiding questions is enough to show me that something is wrong, but not enough for me to "get the hint!". I believed in this person. I wanted our friendship to grow. I wanted to give them what they needed. I wanted to be able to trust them, and for them to be able to trust me. I cared enough for this person to invest in them, and they invested in me, and wanted to see them grow and grow from them.

It hurts in itself to be rejected. To know that the other person feels you don’t have anything positive enough to offer them for them to stick around. Sometimes that happens. And to me, it happens a lot. But for that to be coupled with lies is crushing. To have to suddenly cut someone completely out of your life who you thought was there for you is confusing.

But I just spent the last little bit talking to a wonderful woman who I’ve known all my life, and whom I would consider a second mother to me, who encouraged me and let me cry. She wrote me a list of things that I need to continue to tell myself regardless of how rejection makes me feel inside. She reminded me that I need to believe the following truths about me even when others don’t see them.

• ·         I am a strong woman.
• ·         I am beautiful.
• ·         I am intelligent.
• ·         I am talented.
• ·         I am honest.
• ·         I am loyal.
• ·         Anyone would be lucky to be my friend, but not just anyone is worthy enough to be my friend.
• ·         I hurt deeply because I care deeply, and I do not want to be a hard and shallow person, so I will continue to care, knowing there will be pain.
• ·         I know these things are true and I choose to believe in these Truths—even in my pain!!

Believing these things is hard. But I will fight to let them dominate. It’s true that I believe in people and care for them. And I'm learning that if they choose to betray me or lie to me, it's not my fault. And the fault didn't lie in me believing in them. I think people at least deserve a chance. That’s what I give and that’s what’s taken advantage of, and then rejected. And it's not my fault. And it’s nothing to be ashamed of. The shame does not lie with me. It lies with the lies.