Cherry Picking

I’ve been going through a phase recently. An odd one. Where I’m tired of thinking. I’m just bored by it. Or maybe I’m just bored by explaining my thinking. I feel somewhat like I’m reverting back to my childhood days when I didn’t like thinking about anything…usually. Except for moments when I had some sort of otherworldly moment and questioned my existence.

Okay really, though, I’ve been having a lot of “nothing matters” moments. Those moments where I’m tired of trying, tired of forcing myself to think morally and consistently with the values that I stand for. Like today, I just want to be awesome, and amazing, and worshipped, like a god. Is that so wrong?

And then I went outside and started picking cherries in the orchard behind my parents’ house. I started asking “why” in between spurts of mental haze. Back and forth in my mind between “who gives a crap?” and “why?!” My thought processes are anything but linear. So to describe my thoughts in a coherent, easy to understand manner is a bit of a challenge. But what else is new? I’m gonna be honest, that’s part of my boredom phase right now. I’m just too bored to really explain it all.

But it just so happens that my desire to be “worshipped” comes from a desire to get attention, and I realized that what I want is attention from people. And what better way to be assured that I will always get attention than to be exceptional somehow and wow people. It also just so happens that my desire to get attention comes from a desire to be chosen and wanted because I want to have something that makes me special. Which means that it’s also tied into wanting a purpose and security in knowing who I am and what I’m meant to do. Which is tied into me wanting to make sure I’m not wasting my time on Earth. Which is tied into wanting to make the right choices and know I’m doing the right thing. Which is tied into my perfectionism. Which is tied into my paralysis of not being able to make any long-term choices for fear of making the wrong choice. Which is tied into whether or not I believe in freewill and whether I think freewill is an ideal state. Which is tied into wondering what God even wants from me. Which is tied into whether or not He even cares about me individually if I’m not much of an individual with any exceptional defining factor to set me apart. Which is tied into a fairness problem if some people are exceptional and others are not. Which is tied into whether or not people are actually inherently more exceptional or if their circumstances made them so or whether they had to choose to be exceptional.

Which made me think of how my sister is good at everything I’m good at and everything I’m not. Next to her I feel unexceptional. And then I thought about how she has been given so many more opportunities than I was. How my parent’s parented my sister way better than they ever parented me. How they were really strict with me and much more lenient on her. How I was very good at piano, but I had a crappy piano, and when I moved out of the house, they bought her a baby grand piano. How in school, she was given the opportunity to still be in public school for the social aspect while still doing advanced work that she brought with her. How she was able to be involved with advanced programs in school and I remember begging my second grade teacher for harder work and she wouldn’t give it to me. How I had next no social life from age 10-15 and even beyond that because I was homeschooled and my parents were stricter with me than my other siblings. How I wasn’t able to experience the sciences, math, and very little art within a classroom setting until I was in college and by that point, it was a little late to be trying to figure out what I actually liked and what I was good at because I hadn’t been given a real opportunity. Etc. How she had three siblings way older than her to teach her a bunch of stuff, like having five parents. Basically when it comes to reaching full potential, she has been given far greater of an opportunity.

And all of this made me proud of my sister, but also resentful. Because when people applaud her success, none of these factors are taken into consideration. People choose who they choose to applaud based on performance, and they assign value based on performance. But no two people experience the same things in life. And no experience is equally beneficial for every individual at all times. So how do you measure whether someone was actually put into an ideal situation at all times from the time of their birth? How do you measure one’s effort within a situation?

And without being able to properly compare people, how do you find out what you are actually good at in comparison to many? How do you know where your rightful place is? How do you know who you are and what your purpose is? And if you’re not going to be better than anyone at anything, or if being better than anyone at anything is worthless since we are all equally valuable under God, what is the point anyway? What’s the point of me even existing? If there are already others who are as equally valuable? What made me worth creating? Just because? That’s not a good enough reason for me. I need to feel I’m important, and that I’m needed.

I don’t want to give God all the credit for everything, and rely on Him to decide whether I’m worth it. I chose what I think should make me worth it, and I expect others to think it’s worth it too. But I guess I can’t. But maybe God thinks it’s worth it. Or maybe He doesn’t. So I guess my lack of individual uniqueness and specialness makes me pretty ordinary and unimportant. Which makes me one of many…

…like a cherry. One of a bowl-full. Of an orchard full. It’s not likely that as a cherry, I’d be the first to be picked out of the whole orchard. Not even if I was the juiciest and yummiest because it would be ridiculous to search through the entire orchard for one juicy cherry. So it’s not likely that the juiciest would be picked first. Just the juiciest in the closest proximity. But then again, the juiciest get eaten first. So is it really better to be the juicy cherry? Or is it better to live a longer life shriveling and dying. What does that even mean?

Which reminds me that life is short. And how do I choose the right thing to do in a short time? And does what I do even matter? The fate of a cherry is the same no matter what. Death. It’s bones (the pit) left behind.

And that’s all people see is the pit in the end. Hard as rock. Which reminds me of myself at age 13 or 14 when I was camping and decided to pretend to be a preacher with a massive lisp using objects to randomly tell life lessons in a humorous manner. Cherries represented those people in life that appeared attractive on the outside, but were not attractive on the inside. In fact, “theyw heawts wew hawd as a wock!” as I stated it then.

But what does that have to do with anything? Forget cherries.

I don’t know what I want. What’s the point anyway? I need to be validated. I need to be recognized and known and noticeable. Inherently. I know I sound like a broken record. Like I never seem to get the “right” answer through to my head. But it’s just not enough to have my genius siblings overshadow me and then be told that my value doesn’t diminish because of that. Not that I ever get told that. I just get told that we’re ALL intelligent. That we’re all exceptional in comparison to others. The truth is, I’m not as intelligent. Is that so unacceptable? I guess I’ve been taught it’s unacceptable.

Boredom has returned and I just don’t care. I don’t care if I’m special. I don’t care if I amount to anything. I don’t care if I accomplish anything. It doesn’t matter anyway. I don’t care about what’s right. And nothing will ever be right so what’s the point. Just get me out of here. Just trash the old that will never become new and get to the new. I’m done with this world. Why is God not done with this world? I’m not okay with it. So obviously I’m trapped here and I can’t do anything about it and God does nothing. He expects me to ask for forgiveness all the time. He expects me not to seek revenge. But it feels like he’s seeking revenge on me. He should be asking me for forgiveness.