Loving Egocentric People

What I thought about this afternoon, but what I don’t like to accept is that the people who rejected me that hurt me the most, who all struggled to or didn’t even try to find value in me, were mostly people who were popular and incredibly egocentric. But what I also realized about those people is that to others, it appears like they aren’t incredibly selfish, because the way that they define themselves doesn’t actually value the core parts of them. They define themselves by the shallow things that the world tells them they should value. So when it comes to those deep parts of themselves that they have to sacrifice in order to flatter others or make it look like they are outwardly focused, it’s easy for them to sacrifice. And of course, everyone loves someone who makes them feel good.

And what I realized about myself is, I don’t feel safe in a world that operates like that. So I look for reassurance from these people who have power, but who will never give it up for me. And I realized that the world is dangerous to me, because the world gives power to the selfish, and I will never receive safety or reassurance from these people. Because when I come along and challenge the foundation that the egocentric, powerful people stand on with my values, that puts them in a tough position. So, of course, why would they love me when their perception is that I’m trying to take away their safety net? But if they’re selfish enough to value their own safety above anyone else's, why would I even care about their judgement of me? Well, because maybe, in some odd sense, I empathize with them on a human level. Because I have a healer heart that comes from Christ that wishes to change things for them. But I guess I can’t force people to change or see things differently.

And also because the situation is just not just in any way. Because I am not validated. Because “right” is not rewarded. Because when I want more than anything to not be alone, but I also want more than anything to be myself, not a shallow copy of the culture in which I live, I am stuck. I do what is right, and in the end, do not gain approval and love. But I guess those who are loved for who they aren’t, aren’t loved either. My experience has told me that being loved is impossible in this world, no matter how deeply I love egocentric people and others, but I will not give what is shallow. Not even if that’s what people want. But that doesn’t mean my walls won’t go up sometimes. Because that’s just a healthy response to danger. I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry.