Now and Never

I operate in two modes: now and later.

For years, I have been trying to get a diagnosis of ADD, but people often don’t listen to women about their mental health issues it seems. All I know is, lack of time management is one very huge sign of Attention Deficit Disorder. I have no concept of forever, never again, or “be there at 5:00”. I don’t understand time as a flowing constantly moving thing. That doesn’t make sense to me.

This also means that if I knew you when I was 7 years old, and I haven’t seen you since then, and you were important enough to me that I remember you, I will likely still think we are friends, and I’ll probably make you feel awkward by acting like we are.

It means that I miscalculate how long something will take me constantly. I almost always underestimate how long something will take me.

It means that little setbacks are huge setbacks to me. I spent so much effort getting up the motivation (seeing as I feel I have all the time in the world) to finally request an appointment to see a psychiatrist about my ADD. It took them a month (I’m estimating; actually, it was probably longer, but I can’t guarantee that) to get me an appointment. I had waited around doing nothing for a month, because I needed the appointment, and the appointment was not now. The psychiatrist ended up being an ass-hole, so I had to request another one. So I wait again. I don’t know how long it has been. I’m waiting for later, if you can call it waiting because it’s not hard for me to put it out of my mind. Not now? Out of mind. Unless it’s a concoction of my imagination, or I’m trying to understand a concept through past events.

It means that when I think about the future, all I know is that it is not now, so it feels so far away, and I don’t understand the concept of the future being a result of present actions. It means I think that I can all of a sudden be married with a good job and potentially children and a good “home” wherever that would be and whatever that would look like, at age 30. I am now nearing 25. It means that one day, I will be thirty and think, “Oh crap, I am 30, and I have nothing to show for it. Crap. Where is my life?” It means I am thinking similar things now at almost 25, because I don’t understand how to make my life into a steady flow rather than a choppy now or later.

It means that dating really intimidates me, and meeting people really intimidates me because I don’t understand the concept of gradual development in relationships, and the idea that a relationship takes a long time to form makes me internally squirm so frustratedly that I want to scream at someone. I know that I will get it wrong. I know that I don’t know how to engage in the process of getting to know someone, which takes time. I don’t know how to “partially-commit” so I don’t commit at all. The thought of investing a ton of time and starting all over with a different relationship because the first didn’t work sounds like hell. It means that I don’t know how vulnerable to be. It means that I finally get so fed up, that I throw in the towel and be whatever the heck I want to be anyway and scare people away.

It means that if I leave my house at the time I am supposed to be there, and it usually takes me 20 minutes to get there, I think that I might get there 5 minutes late and hopefully be forgiven. I am 20 minutes late. Actually sometimes 15 or less…because I speed. I was asked by a psychiatrist I saw once if I sped. I at first said “no”. Recently, I started actually paying attention. I speed. Yep. There’s this little “town” I have to drive through sometimes with literally, like, two houses and a grain elevator or something and that’s it. The sign says go 25 miles per hour. It kills me. I go 35 at least. Okay more like 40. That’s as much as they can usually get me to slow down. I mean, it’s a ridiculous speed limit. There’s nothing there. The houses aren’t even right next to the road.

It means that if I start doing something that I am currently motivated to do, and I’m on a roll, I don’t dare stop. I will go for 15 hours straight if I have to, like when I brushed out my dreads. If I stopped, who knows when I would have started again. If I had stopped, I would have likely gone to a hair salon in a week and come back with a buzz cut, because I wouldn’t have had the patience to brush them out. My fingers were sore for a week, and the next day, I felt feverish, I was exhausted, and my back and neck hurt…but I had/have hair. Thank goodness I didn’t stop.

And speaking of my dreads, I had them for two months. I was told before I started that they would take a year to be dreads. A year, to me sometimes, sounds like not very long. I don’t understand that a year is a long time until I’m stuck in it. And consequently, I wasn’t capable of realizing that dreads were a terrible choice for someone who can’t do long-term commitments, like myself. So I tried dreading my hair and it was constant work. I eventually gave that up.

And speaking of long-term commitments, school always sounds like a great idea. I always think I’m going to like it. But I don’t make long-term commitments like that anymore. Because I’m always so wrong. School is hell. I can’t read my textbooks. I can’t be on time to class. I can’t pay attention when I’m in class. I can’t plan my schedule to get my projects done. I can’t keep to a schedule even if it’s made. I can’t do something that takes time. I can’t concentrate on tests. Tests always take me longer than I’m allowed. And none of this is for lack of trying. Being forced into a schedule leaves me depressed.

Every Time.

And every time I think it will be different. I always think I can do stuff like school, or continuously being on time for a job, and so consequently, I always think of myself as a terrible person for doing nothing as if I’m lazy or something. But I can’t. I’m always wrong about myself. It never works. I finally just stopped.

It means that when it comes to things like saving money, I have two modes: save and don’t save. So I usually save. To say I budget is ridiculous. But I don’t spend. Because I’m scared of what would happen if I went into that mode. I guess that’s not so terrible of me, really.

It means that I am terrible at making decisions because most adult decisions result in some sort of long-term commitment, or some set of consequences that I wasn’t aware of or that I’m not sure I can accept. I never know if I’ll like something until I try it. But some things you just can’t “try”. Like kids, for example. Kids are not an experiment. I’m afraid I will have kids and it will be a terrible mistake. My mind doesn’t usually comprehend the fact that once they are there, they’re always there.

I live in fear of accidental consequences I didn’t think about, and the world is not that full of grace. I stay away from debt, though I feel indebted to the merciful people who let me stay with them.

And I hate that.

I stay away from jobs. I stay away from school. I stay away from people.
It means that I’m stuck. And people think that I will move eventually so they leave me alone. But I’m not moving. And I won’t.

I don’t know how.

It’s now or later, and later could mean never. I can’t have now, so I have never…
And confusion, and frustration, and shame, and fear, and loneliness too.

And it’s all my fault, of course. In a world of consequences, it’s all my fault. I am just irresponsible and immature, right?

I see a lot of “failure to adult” jokes everywhere. I’m not offended by them. It’s just not funny to me. It’s very real and very paralyzing. And unlike most people, when I’m tired, caffeine makes me even more tired. I can’t drink my daily coffee to keep me going.

But how dare I not keep going?

Yet, how can I keep going when I feel like I never started in the first place? How can I get to a point where things feel right when I’ve never been there?

What am I even shooting for?