Feelings Of The Before

Feelings Of The Before

By Jessica Cruz

Oh to rise above and burst as a firework.

To escape the wrecking ball and chains.

To destroy the repetition of this Earth.

To know the moon does more than wax and wane.

I'd like to make science by breaking it. 

I'd like to use chaos to explain mathematics.

Not the other way around.

I know the world is scared.

To understand the system, you have to understand fear.

The fear of time. Of an end.

I desire to be surprised without responsibility or blame.

To embrace every change without damnation by fault.

To be carefree.

To set my free-will at ease.

To know no “wrong” decisions.

To know all I want won’t be forced to a halt.

Timelessness and freedom are total synonyms to me.

I’d do anything to get there, right now, this instant.

Within time, it is never okay just to be.

But without time there’d be no early, no waiting!

Without time there’d be no late…

and no waiting!

What bliss!

Time invented the words strategy and can’t.

And those are just so utterly important for time!

Screw time!

“Come down to earth. Get a grip and be practical.”

These words are a nag from the world to my soul.

“Get your head in the game. Be rational. Be a robot.”

No excuses.

Be consistent in pleasure and consistent in torment.

Inconsistency will keep me from reaching the goal.

Feel naught but the rhythm of the world as it goes.

Why question being manipulated within a jail cell, right?

Accept as time flies and leaves me hanging without it.

Be a disciplined work horse, obedient, but strong.

Let me out. Let me OUT! The barn is hell and I'm burning!

Possibilities are endless and it’s freeing to know.

Choice is the constriction that snuffs out enthusiasm.

This road.

 Or that.

Not all.

I’m forced to choose.

Do I choose to grow?

Growth requires roots. So they say. I don’t need them.

If I’m designed to build roots, must they be in dirt?

Oh, to be a powerful root.

A flash.

A bolt of lighting.

Inherently striking.

An eye-catching flirt.

The changing roots of an ever-changing cloud.

Somewhat empowering.

Somewhat humbling.

Totally inspiring.

Break me of my bonds like the genie in the lamp.

Must I use my gifts to please the rest as God supposedly intended?

They tell me why I’m valued as my eyes remain damp.

Exploited and used for purposes I’d rather ended.

I don't want your money now. I want your heart forever.

Unpleasable without the implausible.

Give me impossible.

Give me deep, and give me shallow.

Give me light, give me dark.

Give me now, give me then.

No matter how unfeasible.

Give me here and give me there, all at once with no restraints.

Give me silence, give me noise.

Crowd around me and let me be.

To eat with no need of it. To not eat and live.

To sleep forever and never slumber.

To fly without landing would be just as wrong as gravity.

Reverse gravity. Tame it.

Send me to the stars and back.

Let the one consistency I know be that there is no consistency.

Let the one consistency I know be that there is no consequence.

Please. Right now.

Before time wins.