As I’m
writing this, my mind just remembered a description that I wrote quite some
time ago called “Trapped”:
She
leaned against one of the black stone-cold walls of her dungeon. Dark.
Everything was dark. Cold. Shivering, she could vaguely make out the wisps of
her breath before her face. It would be silent, but for the crazing drip from
the ceiling to her right, and the terrifying hissing of words echoing within
the walls around her from invisible mouths. Where they came from she could not
tell. Complete silence might make this endless solitude bearable, but the drip
and that hissing made rest impossible. She sat motionless, her body tense and
still like she were playing dead. Paralyzed by fear, she could not move if she
wanted to. The musty air did not make it easy to breath as softly as she hoped.
She suddenly felt pain in her lungs and wondered how long she’d been holding
her breath. It was all she could do not to gasp for air. A wave of nausea began
in her belly and slithered outwards through the rest of her body like a million
snakes eating away at her insides. She was starving, but if food were to be
found, she couldn’t have eaten it anyway. Starvation at this point was the
least of her worries. Physical starvation, that is.
It’s so
dramatic, dreary, hopeless, and (how else can I put it?) creepy. Maybe even
laughable. So dramatic that if I were to tell this to a friend, they probably
would tell me how dramatic I was being and encourage me to get mental help—partially
because I think a lot of people find metaphors much more acceptable in writing
than in everyday talk. Who the heck knows why?) And maybe mental help is what I
need. But this is what I’ve felt for such a long time. And the whispers…they
come at me like eternal torment. Not real
audible whispers, obviously (the description was mainly metaphorical). Just a
million inner voices coming at me at once, though they seem to come from
outside of me. Like a thousand demons surrounding me with the purpose of
confusing me to insanity. I’m not sure that I believe in literal demons or a
literal Devil or any of that. But if they’re real, they seem to like me quite a
bit. I guess I’m easy to confuse….
…Excuse me one moment while I grab something to eat. I think
writing has temporarily driven the snakes out of my body and they’ve left me
with no reserves. Those accursed things. I think blogging has a much different
effect on your emotions than journaling, ‘cause you know someone might hear
you…
…What was I
saying? Oh yes. The demons. Everywhere I turn, my mind is sputtering
never-ending differing opinions and the “what-ifs”, and the “coulds” and “woulds”
and “shoulds” of my experience. I jump from one to the next in search of the
most beneficial but real and right way to look at reality. The way
that will not only be accurate to reality (one of the most difficult to
accomplish for me), but that also fits with my moral expectations, and is logically
consistent throughout. Basically, I want my life experiences to fit into my
philosophical framework and also make moral sense to me. This is a very immense task to be sure. One in which
I’m not sure I will ever accomplish, and which I would never in my life be able to explain to another person if I did
figure it out. It’s not really written in English.
Maybe I’m trying to find the place
where ideals and reality meet. Like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow
that you’ll never reach. It’s sad really. It’s hard to live with certainty when
you don’t even know where you stand in the grand scheme of life…or who you
should be worshipping. Who is God anyway? This is my current soul struggle. One
that probably will never end as God seems to deem it necessary to remain a
mystery.
And all of this to say that life is
intense. I have been called overly
dramatic many a time throughout my life. The most recent time was almost a week
ago as I was texting someone who had consistently hurt me and who I decided to
finally call out about it. He didn’t listen, and we haven’t talked since, but
I’m not too worried about it—I’m sick of the negative effects that he has had
on my thoughts and emotions. He’s incredibly insensitive. This person’s final
words to me were that drama would follow me wherever I was at. Of course I had
nothing more to say to someone who dismissed any intense feeling as drama. He
dodged any points that I was trying to make entirely. Such a person would never
truly listen to any words I had worth saying. So I said nothing. At first, what
he said hurt me. I was hurt because it meant that he wasn’t taking what I had said seriously. And that’s often all I want is to be
taken seriously. Regardless, it got me thinking.
Now, I’ve always denied the fact
that I’m a drama queen seeing as that label does not come with positive
connotations. I’ve always thought a drama queen, though a term often used much more loosely, was a
person who used emotions to manipulate and get what they want or to just get
attention. I’ve always thought that there was a difference between someone who
was “dramatic” and someone who was “passionate”. I personally have intense
emotions that I don’t show everyone but that I would like to show people if I
knew they wouldn’t try to pound them with a sledgehammer down to the socially
appropriate level of feeling. Because my feelings are real! They’re not made
up! And they aren’t, as some might say, totally irrelevant. I searched “drama
queen” at merriam-webster.com, and found these two definitions:
“a person (especially a woman) who acts as though things are
much worse than they really are”
“a person given to often excessively emotional performances
or reactions”
Annoyed by this, my first thought
after reading those definitions was, “what is considered excessive, and who
defines it?” Well, Merriam-Webster, I’m sure. So then I searched the word “excessive”
and this is what I found:
“going beyond what is usual, normal, or proper”
“exceeding what is usual, proper, necessary, or normal”
So then I searched those words:
Usual: “done, found, or used most of the time or in most
cases: normal or regular”
Normal: “usual or ordinary: not strange” and “mentally and physically healthy”
Proper: “behaving in a way that is correct according to social or moral rules”
Necessary: “so important that you must do it or have it:
absolutely necessary” and “unable to be changed or avoided”
Hmm…so in an attempt to summarize, a drama queen is someone who displays emotional reactions that are not common, not ordinary, mentally unhealthy, physically unhealthy, against social rules, against moral rules, and/or (stress on the “or”) avoidable. Interesting. So first of all, are we not allowed to have individual emotional reactions? Sorry, but we're all different. And second, is someone who exhibits emotions, with only one of these traits, a drama queen? As far as I know, you can attempt to ignore them and express them, but feelings are entirely unavoidable. What about our reactions to feelings? Well, sometimes facial expressions just pop up unconsciously. I think that leaves the world (at least the extent of the world that I’ve experienced) with a heck of a lot of drama queens. And what person hasn’t followed their heart into doing something immoral? That makes a lot of drama queens. But regardless of others, fine. I admit it. According to this definition, at times, I am a drama queen. And when I am depressed (which unfortunately has been a lot for the past while) I can definitely be a drama queen. But I’ll just blame it on my Latino blood. (Wink!)
Now just one more definition:
Drama: “a state, situation, or series of events involving
interesting or intense conflict of forces”
Heck, you couldn’t ask for a better
description of life! Yes, like it or not, life is full of drama. In fact,
according to this definition, you might even say that the words drama and life are almost interchangeable (no, I’m not looking up the
definition of life. I’m already sick of definitions). Shout out to the guy who
told me that drama would always follow me. You bet it will. And the same for him too! He couldn’t have been more
right. He can just go on pretending like he’s free from it and that everything
is a comedy. Good luck buddy. Have fun in your friendships as you continue to
offend people when drama hits them on the head. We can’t stop drama. Sure life
can be funny. It’s great to laugh. I don’t do it enough! However, in the grand
scheme of things, life is a serious thing. It’s a constant conflict between
forces.
As far as our feelings towards this
drama go, I think the times when they should not be followed are when they lead
us to hurting ourselves or others. When the feelings themselves are followed to
the extent that they are no longer an expression of hurt but become the hurt
themselves, then they are taken too far. In these instances, I think we should
still be aware of our feelings, but be discerning about which ones we follow. I
don’t think ignoring feelings is the best way to deal with them. That’s the
best way for them to catch you off guard and lead you down the wrong path.
Don’t run away too fast when I say
this, but you know, I think in a lot of ways, “drama queens” have it right.
Life is a tragedy. In the end, everyone
dies. They do. Believe me. But what drama queens, including me, are failing
to see is that
Death is not the end and there will be an end to death!
And the same goes for pain. As
Christians, yes, suffering is inevitable, but there is still hope. Heaven
awaits us. And we can look to that when we suffer. We can know that there will
be an end to it. Now, I’m not saying that because of this, hurt feelings are
irrelevant and you should just dismiss all people who feel that way as “drama
queens”. Please don’t. Jesus wouldn’t do that. Jesus comforted people. And
don’t try to dumb down another’s emotions because you can’t handle them. If
it’s clear they’re in distress, help them. Take them seriously. Don’t dismiss
them as ridiculous. You won’t help them that way. Sometimes you just need to
listen and be there for them. And if it’s very clear that they need mental or
emotional help (e.g. they are already or are planning to seriously harm
themselves or others; or, as a human, you are limited as to how much of others
people’s problems you can take because you have your own), help them find
someone else who is better equipped to help them. Help them, because it must be awful for them right now. Don’t fall into
accusing people for feeling. Note that in accusing them of feeling, you’re
following your own annoyed feelings for them. And for all you know, you might
end up in their shoes one day. After all, life is drama. And now, here are some
good verses…
This is basically one of the only
parts, if not the only part, of the book of Job that I appreciate. Job’s “heart yearns” to see God! He is not
satisfied just knowing that God is there.
“I know that my
Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my
skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see him
with my own eyes—I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!” –Job 19:
25-27 NIV
The next verse is also a great one.
God can handle your heart!
“Find rest, O my soul,
in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he
is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out
your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” –Psalm 62: 5-8
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